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clumsy, loud, and unmotivated.

but thats okay.

3/11/09 09:09 pm - No.

You are good enough.
You're more than good enough.
I don't deserve you.
I'm sorry.

3/10/09 11:11 am - I'm completely lost.

I feel hopeless. mom is driving me up the wall. she makes me feel like I'm about to go completely insane. I need to stand up for myself. I need to stop being such a push over.

dear tim,
you're asleep, you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you ever do for me. you're sound asleep, you have no idea how depressed I have just now become. I wish you'd wake up and hold me in your arms and squeeze me until all of this hurt melted away and all that was left was strength and a pair of balls so I can finally stop being scared of my mother and finally speak my mind. I wish you knew that for an hour I have laid here and quietly cried, hoping that you can't hear me.
thanks for listening,
i love you too.

I won't be able to eat today. I have too much on my mind. I'm in a constant state of worry and my stomach is always turning. I'm afraid to have any sort of fun because I'm so paranoid that mom is going to flip her shit on me.

my job is so overwhelming. I'm moving to night shift in like a week. 7pm-7am. 12 hours of back breaking work. almost every day when I get off of work, I walk out to my car. sit my bags down. and cry for ten minutes. I'm trying so hard but no one see's it. I'm trying so hard to please everyone but myself and its starting to really take a toll on me, emotionally. I sometimes wonder what it would be like just to leave. pack up my shit in the middle of the night and just drive away. no note. no phone calls. no goodbyes.

3/3/09 10:58 pm - just let me sing you to sleep

I've been looking through old pictures of me and alexis. I really miss her.
But I've come to terms with the fact that we're probably never even going to sit down and have a conversation again.
We've both changed way too much.
I'm really bummed about it, actually.
We rly did have some of the best times together.

eyebrows are weird.

I'm ready to move.
I'm ready to marry the love of my life.

3/3/09 05:56 pm

Everything is getting better.
thank goodness for that.

3/2/09 09:46 am - maybe come with me to the coast

And watch the way the rain comes down
Out of the shadow she's more passionate,
We'll watch her roll in from the south

She'll wrap her sheets 'round us
Forget the sun

Moving from sea to land dancing,
Swinging with the boats out there
She steps on toes if she wants to,
No one's saying no she wouldn't care

She'll wrap her sheets 'round us
Forget the sun
She'll wrap her sheets 'round us
She leads this one

Would you go in?
She'd have soaked us wet
Her fingers touching bare skin,
It makes you miss him

2/27/09 09:47 am - I

feel like a failure.

2/23/09 09:46 am

I'm confused.

2/19/09 10:57 pm

FTW. I'm getting sick again. I swear these 12 hour shifts are going to kill me.
I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
I have no time for myself.

Bubble bath.

Fuck you.

2/12/09 10:07 am - whoa whoa whoa

I swear I'm the luckiest girl on the face of the earth.

"You're my best friend, you're my whole world, you make me feel like the luckiest man alive, I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I want to give you the whole world and then some. I can't wait until the day that I make you my wife and start our family. I want you to know that I think you're beautiful, not only on the outside, but on the inside,  you make me want to better myself as a human being, you make me want to have an extraordinary life, and you give me an extraordinary life, not everyone is fortunate enough to find the love that we have. You make me feel better than I ever have, you give me hope for a better life, I don't have faith in much but I have faith in us, our relationship has sort of become like a religion to me, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make this work. I want us to thrive and be happy. I want you to know that you're never going to be alone again and that you'll never have to face anything by yourself  ever again as long as I live. I love you Larissa, more than you will ever know or be able to comprehend, thank you for giving me the love I've always hoped for." 

Valentines Day is coming up this weekend. Four years. But to be honest, I'm not dreading it.
For once in my life I've realized that there isn't anything I could have done to prevent it and it's truly not my fault.
I will have a good time. It's not going to get the best of me this year.
I'm strong and nothing is going to keep me from living the rest of my life the way I want to.
It won't control me anymore.

2/10/09 09:14 pm - its good its good its goooooodddddd

Mother nature keeps playing tricks on me.
For the past like three days its been in about the 60's,
and a week or so ago I was going five on the interstate because I couldn't see three inches in front of me due to blizzard shit.

I have strep. I went to the doctor earlier today.
I hope I'm better by the end of the week.
I left work early both yesterday and today because I was afraid I'd infect the patients.

Papa bear started his new job today. I bet he's cute as fuck! <3.

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